For Bella
by The Black Sacrament
Summary: "I wasn’t prepared for the loud ringing of her heart monitor. I wasn’t ready for the utter coldness of her hand in mine. I was not ready for the nurses to rush in and pull me away from her. When it came to Bella, I was never ready. Especially not to lose her." Oneshot. Femslash.


**-o0o-**

"What does Kalika look for in a woman? I mean you seem like an eccentric person," the interviewer asked me with a smile.

I took a moment to think. I wasn't expecting this question. However, I should have guessed that I would be asked something about my love life soon enough.

I didn't have to make up some superficial criteria for my dream woman. I have loved was that I knew the perfect woman. I have the perfect woman. I didn't have to look for her. I decided to not keep her secret any longer.

"Well, since you're the first to ask me this I'll give you some info nobody else has. My wife, Rose, is the most beautiful, the most kind, and the most loving woman I know. It is my joy to sing her praises," I gushed without pretense. My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard.

The interviewer looked like she had just won a gold medal. I didn't care. I had been holding in my glee for far too long. So much so that I often blocked my wife from my mind when in interviews. She didn't have problem being seen with me but I wanted a bit of privacy for a while.

"How did you two meet? You sound like you've found your soul mate," she asked excitedly. I sat back in my chair and thought about it.

"If I tell you how I met Rose, I'll have to go further back and tell you how I met a girl named Bella. Without meeting Bella I wouldn't have been able to notice everything about Rosalie that made her the one for me."

 **Seven Years Before**

Flashing lights followed me as I made my way into the hospital. My bodyguards tried their best to keep the pests from irritating me but they were persistent. It's funny how even when I try to do good deeds, like visiting cancer patients, they insist on interrupting me.

"Hey, I'm trying to give back to the community so get your pictures and leave please. I don't need publicity to be a decent human being," I said exasperatedly.

I stood there in the hall and let the vultures take their pictures until they got their fill and left. It was a miracle. If I had been anywhere but a hospital they would have followed me until I ended up hurting one of them. The press is the only thing I hate about being so called famous.

I made my way to the front desk and allowed the ridiculously hyperactive nurse guide me to where I needed to be. First, she took me to meet the children. The children with cancer smiled as I entered the room. The smiles were odd on their forlorn faces. I felt good that I could give them some sort of joy as I read them stories and answered questions.

When it was finally time for me to leave, I wasn't ready to go. I felt like I had so much more to do, so many more people to talk to. I wandered about the halls, peeking in to speak to the elderly patients and just patients who seemed lonely.

As I passed one door, I peeked in and became intrigued. A girl about nineteen sat sideways on her hospital bed talking to her doctor. I could easily tell that she was a cancer patient. She had no hair to be seen. Her skin was as pale as snow and an i.v. was attached to her arm.

She did not look even remotely happy which was understandable. However, it felt like an injustice. I wondered what it would be like to see her smile and laugh. No one deserves a life of misery. I decided to at least stop by and say hello.

When the doctor came out I went in, leaving my guards outside. The girl looked at me oddly, seemingly annoyed that I was encroaching on her personal space. I sat down awkwardly under her stare and felt stupid for coming in here.

"Kalika right? The singer," she asked monotonously. Instead of being offended, I smiled humbly.

"Yeah. What's your name?"

"I'm Bella," she said dismissively. I watched her lie back onto her bed carefully. "So you wanted to come and slum it with the less fortunate and make headlines? Are your album sales going down?"

I almost choked on my own spit as I laughed aloud. "No but I can why you'd think that. I do this all this all the time."

Bella looked at me skeptically and pointed to a cup of water on the table beside me.

"Will you hand me that cup? Chemo makes me thirsty."

I did as told and sat back down. It hasn't even been ten minutes and I was intrigued by Bella. She sipped her water slowly.

"I appreciate you coming here but it's too late for me. There's no happy ending or..or chance that I'm going to get out of this. I'm just waiting now so you can go," she said matter of factly. Like she was so certain. It irked me that was so sure of this.

"I don't believe that."

Bella looked at me like I had two heads. Just by her reaction I could tell that so many people had told her this that she wasn't used to anyone having hope for her. I made a decision to be that person because I would want that if I was in her shoes.

"You aren't hearing me. _I am going to die._ My leukemia is too advanced. It's only a matter of when," she said, getting frustrated with me.

I shook my head. "You aren't hearing me. I don't believe that. I think you can fight this."

Bella stared at me for a long moment. This time I wasn't as uncomfortable. I could see that she was lighter but she didn't want to put any stock in my words. I smiled at her softly.

"What do you care? You're this famous person with all the money you need. Millions of fans. No one will care if I just croak over one day. My family has already accepted it. Why can't you?"

"Fame has nothing to do with my happiness. Helping other people makes me happy. So I intend to help you beat this disease. Whether you like it or not," I said, shrugging. Bella rolled her eyes at me in annoyance.

"That sounds self serving."

"Then I'm a selfish cunt and a hypocrite since I can't help every patient. I've decided on you. Now...will you allow me to help you or not," I asked, outstretching my hand.

She stared at it for a moment. Her brown eyes were tired and disbelieving but she took my hand anyway. I shook it firmly and smiled. I always loved a challenge and this would be the greatest yet. But this time, I literally had no choice but to succeed.

 _Two weeks_ _later_

What the hell are we doing out here? I think you secretly want me to die."

I rolled my eyes and continued stretching out my legs. "Okay it's kinda hot. I'll grant you that. But that doesn't mean we're not running."

Bella scowled at me from her spot on the ground. I had been helping her stretch before making this huge leap into exercise but she still didn't want to be here. She would rather be in her bed wasting away than being out in the sun for prolonged periods of time. What a shame.

"You know running isn't that bad. Once you get comfortable with it it's like therapy for the body," I tried to persuade her. Bella merely stared at me.

"Only you could equate running with something soothing. Do you realize I've been bed ridden for almost a year? I could croak over at any second," she replied in a deadpan tone. I chuckled and pulled her from the ground.

"If you do then I'm certified in CPR. Got the card and everything. You'll be fine."

"Jesus Christ. There's really no way out is there?"

"Nope," I said, smirking.

We started out with a casual walk like we usually. Eventually, I got her jogging for ten seconds at a time. She was right. I didn't want her to be overworked but I did want to get her heart pumping. In the beginning, I can't say that she fell into it with little struggle.

"I can't do this," Bella panted, plopping down on the concrete. Her chest heaved and her pale face was reddened. "I can't breathe. How is this supposed to help me?"

I stood in front of her and crossed my arms over my chest. "You can breathe because you're doing it as we speak. And exercise can improve your immune system and the functionality of your organs...Do I really have to explain this?"

Bella balled her fists up in frustration and glared at the ground in front of her.

"My cancer isn't gonna just say _oh damn she's exercising I gotta go_ just because I start running. This is not going to help me," she ranted. My frustration mounted at her words but I stamped it down. I needed to get to her somehow.

"Do you want to die, Bella," I asked simply. She looked at me in confusion. "Do you want to die?"

"Anything is better than suffering," she admitted. I shook my head.

"Then the answer is no. You don't want to die. You just want the suffering to stop. I am trying to help you in the only way I can. The only thing I'm asking of you is to fight for your life. And if you can't do that then I will leave you alone. If you don't want to take life by the balls I can't waste my time. But I know you _are_ stronger than this. Let me show you," I said adamantly. A fire coursed through me. I wouldn't let her just let herself waste away.

Bella was quiet for a moment, I saw that fire in her eyes. I saw it when we first met, heard it in her sarcastic voice. She wasn't the type to let things happen to her. She was the type to make things happen. This situation had beaten her down until she lost her will to even wake up every morning.

"Your struggles don't define you, Bella. The way you handle them does. Now...I'm going to go running whether you join me or not," I said, trying to act like I didn't care. With that, I turned away.

It only took a few moments until I heard footfalls behind me. I struggled not to smile. I never really put much stock into my motivational skills but it seemed to work fine. I may or may not have watched a few YouTube videos.

"Just know that I fucking hate running," Bella muttered breathlessly beside me. I smiled, not even glancing her way.

"Same."

 **-o0o-**

"Ugh, damn you for this."

"Oh shut up and get in the tub. You're not five, Bella."

"Apparently I am. You're bathing me. Next you'll be shoveling applesauce into my gullet."

I rolled my eyes and felt the water. It was ice cold but just what she needed. She had been complaining about her sore muscles for the past two weeks. I finally broke down and bought epsom salt. Not to mention a whole stock room full of bagged ice.

"Don't you have something better to do? Like concerts or writing songs or human sacrifices for the illuminati," Bella quipped. She dipped her toe into the bath and hissed at the temperature.

"Nah. I only sacrifice cows. And then I make them into burgers and everyone is happy. Even Satan."

Bella laughed and then she was cursing profusely as she entered the bath. I tried not to notice her body. It was obviously feeling the effects of her chemo therapy. Her bones protruded unhealthily but I was happy to see that she was toning up already.

"Do you really do shit like that? Is the illuminati real?"

"No. The weirdest thing I've done since I made it was trip acid. I didn't sign to record label so I wouldn't know."

Bella nodded slowly. "Do you still talk to your family," she asked casually.

"Of course. I talk to my sisters. I mean my sisters are my managers but the rest of my family is crazy. All of a sudden they think I owe them something," I explained, becoming melancholy. "Fame has done horrible things to the people around me but somehow I still feel normal."

Bella looked intrigued. We hadn't gone into any detail about my life before which was highly appreciated on my part. I hate talking about myself. Very odd since I do so many interviews. I still feel like I'm in a job interview with every one I do.

"What does it feel like? Having so many people that love you?"

I pursed my lips in thought. "They don't love me. My sisters love me. My fans love the idea of me. And it doesn't feel like anything," I said simply. Bella narrowed her eyes at me skeptically.

"No...you have to feel something. If I was famous I would be fucking ecstatic. All the money and the people wanting me. That sounds like heaven to me."

"You think that but when it happens it's nothing like you imagine. It's just..life. I admit, I do have access to more luxuries but I also can't do anything in privacy without jumping through hoops. For me that is hell because I love my solitude," I explained, secretly starting to second guess myself.

Bella nodded slowly. I titled my head at her. "What about you? Why haven't I met your family yet?"

"My mom and dad are divorced. Worse than that, my mom lives in Arizona and my dad lives in Washington. So, I told them I would be fine. They don't have to waste time visiting me," she said quietly, staring at the water.

"But they're your family. Washington isn't that far from California and neither is Arizona. You need your family right now."

"You don't understand," Bella said tiredly. I squinted at her.

"I do. You don't want to be a burden to them but guess what? You're their child, irregardless of the divorce. Plus...I want them to know how much progress you're making already. You're eating more, running easier. They should know this."

A small smile spread over her lips. A blush reddened her cheeks. She almost seemed embarrassed. However, I was happy just to see her doing something other than frowning. That meant I was doing my job. Well, the job I had thrust upon myself. I stood up and retrieved one of rough hospital towels.

"Alright, let's get you out of here Moby Dick."

"Fuck you."

 **-o0o-**

Left, right, left, right. Our feet hit the ground in cadence. For almost two months we had kept up this routine. Wake up, eat, stretch, run, eat, stretch, bathe, eat, sleep. Every single day we kept it up. I can't say that Bella loved it because she hated it. But..she began to hate it less and less.

"Double time," I laughed, nudging her. Bella groaned as we picked up speed, but she remained in step with me. I could see the progress just by the way she managed her breathing. "Race me to the hospital door!"

I took off towards the door at full speed. My legs pumped ferociously. But Bella wasn't that far behind. She was so close that I had to work harder to stay in front of her as we made it closer to the door. I did beat her but only by a nose. I was so happy with her progress that I couldn't keep from picking her up into a bear hug.

"That's what I'm talking about, Bella bitch! That's what's up," I cheered, spinning her around. She laughed breathlessly and swatted me away.

"It's not that big of a deal. I'm still sick," she said dismissively. I scoffed and pulled her into the hospital behind me, greeting the smiling nurses.

"You may still be sick but look at your body! It's getting stronger every day. You've gained like ten pounds already," I said happily. I could smell the food as we got closer to the cafeteria.

"Have you been documenting my body weight or what?"

"No! I'm just..I mean..Fuck you."

As we were about to turn into the cafeteria, Dr. Mangrove stopped us. It was like he was looking for us but he wasn't expecting us to literally run into him. I almost jumped out of my skin.

"Oh! Ladies, I apologize. Would you please follow me," he said quickly. He didn't give us time to say anything. He just turned down the hall.

"What the hell," I whispered to Bella. She looked sullen as we followed her doctor up to her room.

"I can literally smell the bad news."

I sat beside her as the doctor drew blood. I had to look away. It made me squeamish to see other people's blood. Bella laughed at my weak stomach.

Once the doctor had his samples, he left us alone to go run his tests. Silence surrounded us. I didn't know what to say to her. She looked resigned. Like she knew this wouldn't end well. I found that I couldn't bring myself to lie to her or give her false hope. Instead, we fell back into our normal routine. Watching _I Love Lucy_ reruns on her small television.

"My mom is on her way," Bella said randomly. My head jerked in her direction. She laughed quietly. "Don't worry. If I like you, my mom will love you. She's kinda overzealous but she means well."

My lips curled slowly into a smile. Bella raised a nonexistent brow at me.

"So you like me? I couldn't tell."

Bella rolled her eyes at me and remained silent for a moment.

"Why haven't you left yet? The only time I don't see you is when you go home for clothes. I mean, don't you have concerts to do," she asked in confusion. Her face was scrunched up like she couldn't understand something. "Not to be a bit but..why are you still here?"

I stared at the ground. I didn't know the answer to her questions. Well I knew the answers, but I didn't want to admit them to her. My motivations were all selfish and utterly ridiculous. Even worse, after my time with her, I've abandoned those motivations. Now I just focus on her well being.

"Well, to tell the truth, I enjoy your company. Besides my sisters, you're my only friend. And when it comes to shows, I took a little hiatus. It won't hurt my pockets."

"But what about your family?"

I sighed. "I talk to my sisters on the phone. They know I'm taking a break. They just don't know why. That's fine with me. Nobody knows where I am, meaning the paparazzi doesn't know either. Let's hope it stays that way."

Bella nodded slowly, just staring at me searchingly. "You're my only friend. Well, besides Mr. Fitzpatrick in the geriatric wing," she said, smirking at me.

I laughed hysterically. I remembered her saying something about changing his diaper the day before.

"I'm honored, Bella."

She shook her head and reached out for my hand. I took it, slightly confused by her sudden somber mood. Her hand was soft and cold in my hot one. Her thumb smoothed over the back of my hand, making my smile.

"No, I'm lucky to have you."

 **-o0o-**

Despite my decision to take a break from my career, I had to go back and sign some paperwork. In the presence of my lawyer and other entertainment figureheads, I realized how much I didn't like being around these types of people. They smiled in my face until the moment I began to read the fine print. They were snakes.

I basically ran out of there and back to my car. My appreciation for Bella's presence in my life skyrocketed and I vowed to value the real people in my life more.

When I finally managed to make it to the hospital without being followed, I sighed in relief. However, when I walked into Bella's room I was taken by surprise. A woman who could only be Bella's mother was sat next to her hospital bed. She nearly feel over when she saw me.

"Oh my god. You weren't lying," she exclaimed. I blinked in surprise. "You look different in person!"

"Mom," Bella groaned, covering her blushing face. I just stood there awkwardly, unsure what to do.

"Bells wouldn't shut up about you on the phone. I didn't believe her for a second but here you are!"

Bella blushed furiously and scolded her mom again. Their arguing snapped me out of my shock and I decided to act like I wasn't creeped out that Bella's mom was a fan of mine.

"I'm sorry. It's wonderful to meet you Mrs. Dwyer. I'm Kalika," I said kindly, reaching out to shake her hand. She smiled wide and took it without hesitation.

"Call me Renee sweety! I'm really thankful for what you've been doing for Bella. She looks so much better," she said sincerely. Her expression suddenly changed. "I was just getting ready to leave. Will you walk me out?"

I looked over to Bella in confusion. She just shrugged and waved at me to go. With that, I followed Renee out into the hall. She stopped just beside the door with a tires look on her face. I didn't know what was going on.

"You and Bella have become quite close," she began. I nodded, not seeing where she was going with this. Renee took my hand and squeezed. "What you've been doing for my daughter is amazing and I appreciate your dedication. I can't imagine how you felt when you got the news today."

My heart stuttered in my chest.

"Wait. What news? What do you mean," I asked. My mouth was suddenly as dry as a desert. Renee eyes widened and she covered her mouth.

"Oh lord, I thought Bella told you."

"I've been away. Just tell me what's going on," I whispered anxiously. Renee sighed heavily.

"Bella..Bella doesn't have much time left," Renee began. I closed my eyes. "Even with the way you've been helping her, her leukemia is much too advanced. She's already lived longer than the doctors projected."

I leaned against the wall and clutched my stomach. It felt like I had been kicked in the gut. It took everything to remain standing. Renee placed her hand on my shoulder.

"I love my daughter. I believe that you love my daughter, even if you haven't told her yet. Tell her. Let's make her last few months beautiful," she said quietly. A sob ripped through my body. These emotions were nothing like I ever experienced before. This _pain._

"Bella has my number if you ever need someone to talk to. I'm sorry."

I didn't speak as she walked away. I just slid down the wall and stared at the fluorescent lights. The white walls seemed to close in on me until I couldn't take it anymore. I creeped back into the room and leaned against the door.

"What's wrong with you? What's my mom do," Bella asked jokingly. I remained silent. I couldn't get my tongue to move. She looked down at the ground. "She told you. Didn't she?"

I nodded once, a stray tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away almost angrily.

Bella patted the spot beside her and I sat down rigidly. I don't know why but I felt betrayed. Like somehow she had given up on herself. My rational mind knew better but I needed someone to blame.

"I've known I was going to die for years now, Kali, but you gave me hope. I didn't want to hurt your feelings with this," she said quietly, grabbing my hand. I gripped it tightly. As if she would disappear at any moment.

"How long do you have," I asked. My voice was strained. She was quiet for a while.

"Six months."

I clenched my eyes shut. Every moment we had been together ran through my head. I only had six months to say goodbye to the best friend I've ever made. Six months to prepare myself to let her go. Tears threatened to fall, burning my eyes.

"I'm sorry," Bella whispered, wrapping her arms around me. She laid down on my chest and I held her hesitantly for the first time.

"Bella...I..," I hesitated. I didn't know how to tell her everything that I needed to tell her.

I closed my eyes as lips pressed against my cheek. She shook her head and nuzzled further into my chest, fingers curling in my hair.

"I know."

 **-o0o-**

The next month went by slowly. It crawled by and I was thankful for it. Each second I got to spend with Bella and her family was a blessing. I completely forgot about my life and dove headfirst into making Bella as happy as possible. I ignored her pleas to take a break.

Each night when she laid on my chest, I couldn't find it in me to sleep. Fear gripped me. If I even slept for a second, it could be the last time I got to hold her in my arms. When I would fall asleep unexpectedly I would wake up in fits, thanking whatever god there is that she was still there.

After another month of this, Bella finally got through to me. I had to find a way to accept that she would soon be gone. And with her, the future I had wanted for us. But no matter how I tried, I couldn't let her go just yet. I couldn't let our future go. It seems that I wasn't the only one.

"What is something you always wanted to do," I asked absentmindedly.

Bella looked up from her spot in my arms and thought for a moment. My figures massaged her back unconsciously.

"Honestly, my parents have taken me everywhere and made me do everything," she began. I sighed dejectedly. "There is something. A few somethings.."

"What?"

Smooth hand gripped my face. Suddenly, she was blocking my view. Her deep brown eyes flicked to my lips and my breath caught. She had never been so close. Only now did I notice the almost golden flecks in her eyes. She leaned her forehead against mine and I closed my eyes.

Bella's soft lips pressed against my own like a feather falling gently to the ground. Time slowed for me as I gently pressed back against her. My fingers caressed the back of neck. My other hand, pulling her closer to me.

I took advantage when she opened her mouth. Our tongues caressed each other and tangled together, passion building with each passing moment. Soon the heat of the kiss was too much. I pulled away, ashamed of my wandering hands. Bella peppered kisses all over my face until I couldn't contain my laughter.

"You're something else," I said quietly. I held her face in my hands.

"No, I'm Bella. Your Bella. That's all I know for sure."

I bit my lip to stop all of the words I wanted to say from creeping out. There were so many useless confessions and declarations. Instead, I simply kissed her again. Deeply and passionately. Words meant nothing in the end. I could only show her.

 _I'm yours._

 **-o0o-**

It didn't take long for Bella to show telltale signs that she wasn't well. Her skin became paler and her face was ghaunt. She was having trouble walking for extended periods of time. It hurt to see her so weak and fragile. But her strong personality never waned.

I remained by her side, even with rising media attention toward me. Apparently, my disappearance had made headlines. The paparazzi flooded the hospital parking lot one day as we were coming back from a walk. I had to pay the vultures to leave before I resorted to violence.

Our faces were on every magazine. They were painting me as this charitable marytr. However, I was pissed. I never wanted Bella to apart of my world. The world of superficial bullshit. Especially now that she was beginning to deteriorate.

However it put something into perspective for me, looking at her still beautiful face on the drug store magazine. A moment captured in time. A memory.

I purchased a camera soon after.

At first, Bella hated when I took videos of her. She felt she was hideous. But I never allowed her to get away with her self hate. Every day we captured a new memory together.

Sometimes I would just set up the camera and ask her questions about herself. Sometimes I would sing to her and she would help me write songs. I wanted to keep as many memories of her strength as I could. Especially during her last month. When she could barely get out of her bed. When her I.V. was her main source of sustenance.

The thought that one day I wouldn't be able to remember her face kept my hand steady on the camera at all times. It was my last bastion of hope. A sacred monothith that I was creating, dedicated to my first love.

"You and that damned camera," Bella coughed. I rolled my eyes and continued to set it up on the tripod. "Now I know what it's like to be famous. It sucks ass."

"I told you that I wouldn't let you go. I meant that. I'm rolling so get ready."

I sat in front of Bella like I was doing a formal interview. My hands fumbled in front of me, toying with the object in my hands. Bella's thin face contorted into a painful smile as I struggled to remember the questions I wanted to ask.

"Spit it out. I don't have all day," she rasped. I sighed and sat forward in my chair.

"July 10th, 2018. Video number 123," I began. She watched me silently. "How are you feeling today, Bella?"

"Hmm. I would love some Chipotle right now but I'm limited to glucose and sludge," she said, rolling her big eyes. I shook my head at her lightheartedness.

"What about emotionally? Are you happy?"

"I think you're really asking if I've come to terms with my impending death, and no. I haven't. I'd say I'm comfortable with it. As comfortable as I can be considering my situation," Bella ranted. She paused to think for a moment before continuing.

"Actually, to answer your original question, yes. I'm happy that you're here with me through this..journey."

I couldn't help but smile. She never ceased to warm my heart. I braced myself for the next question, hands still fumbling with the item in my hands.

"What do you think about marriage, Bella? Did you ever want that for yourself," I asked shakily. I forced myself to look at her, despite my embarrassment.

Bella was quiet for a long time. I squinted in my seat. She looked at me with wise eyes. They seemed to smile at me. Even through the ever present pain that lingered with her every second of every day, she never lost those smiling eyes when she looked at me.

"You don't think it's too late for me?"

"It's never too late to take what you want. It took me too long to realize that," I said. My voice was full of emotion.

I sat beside her on the bed and took her bony hand in mine. I opened the box in my hand, revealing the ring inside. Bella gripped my hand as stared at it in awe. I didn't need the camera. I would never forget the look of utter joy and love on her face.

"Kali...you didn't have to do this," Bella whispered.

"No, I wanted to. I want _you._ I know I have you but I want you to be my wife," I replied. I wiped a tear from her eye gently.

"Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

Bella nodded immediately. She couldn't seem to get the words out fast enough. I felt like I was exploding with happiness. I pulled the ring from its confines and slid it onto her finger carefully. It fit snugly, to her surprise.

"You measured my finger when I was sleeping," she laughed. My smile spread evilly. Bella kissed it away.

"I love you...but I'm not not taking your last name," she whispered against my lips. I laughed hysterically, remembering to store this moment away in the deepest reaches of my mind.

"I won't ever stop loving you, Isabella. And yes the hell you are."

 **-o0o-**

"Isabella Marie Swan, do you take Kalika Santos as your wife?"

I could barely see with the tears in my eyes. But I could see Bella smiling that smile that captivated me from the start. I remember vowing to make her happy and I've succeeded. She has done the same for me. Her beauty radiates. Even in her wheelchair, she is the most beautiful being I've ever seen.

"I do," Bella said quietly. My heart jumped in my chest.

"Kalika Santos, do you take Isabella Swan as your wife," the priest said, smiling at me. I didn't hesitate.

"I do."

"By the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you Mrs. and Mrs. Swan. The brides may now kiss."

I leaned down to kiss her, cheeks hurting from smiling for hours. Our lips touched softly and the applause around us was muted instantaneously. We were in our own little universe. Surrounded by friends and family, but seperated by our otherworldly love for each other. We were no longer seperated.

We were one.

At least for a moment.

 **-o0o-**

Twenty-two days, four hours, and thirty six minutes. That is how long my euphoria lasted. I came to understand Bella's issue with happiness. I understood her deep cynicism when it came to anything that made her feel better. I also came to know pain.

When Bella lost her ability to speak to me, I knew it was time. Her family stopped coming. They didn't want to see her like this but I still tried to talk to her. I begged her to say something, anything. I was met with silence. Her eyes were the only thing that remained strong.

I saw the love. I saw the pain she was in. I saw everything I needed to know. She was getting ready to leave this place of suffering. I didn't need the nurses to tell me. I ignored their apologies and their recommendations that I eat or sleep. I never left her side.

When the time came, I was awakened from my sleep. I still don't know what woke me up.

Bella lie there, staring up at the ceiling. The same distant gaze that she had for a while. But when I spoke to her she did not look at me. I gripped her hand and she did not grip back. My heart stopped immediately.

"Bella don't leave me yet. Please don't," I said frantically.

I wanted to shake her. I wanted to pull the life from myself and funnel it into her just so she would move. Just so she would look at me one last time. I laid my head on her thigh and pleaded with whatever god there was to save her. My tears burned my eyes.

With a deep breath, I looked at her face. She looked like she was smiling but my mind was so gone that I wasn't sure. I realized then that she had suffered her entire life. She had been waiting for this moment for just as long. She wasn't leaving me. She was being released from her own personal hell. Even if I could, I would not keep her here for my own selfish happiness.

I leaned down and kissed her lips one last time, caressing her ghaunt cheek.

"I love you, Bella. I won't stop loving you even when you're gone," I whispered, trying to regain my composure. My entire body felt like it was breaking down.

"But I gotta let you go on now. You can go. I love you."

A small pressure squeezed my hand and I stared at her hopefully. Her eyes turned to me just barely. Her mouth worked just slightly as she gathered enough strength to speak to me for the last time.

"...Tell me..a story," she whispered. I almost didn't hear her.

I wracked my brain for a story, any story to tell her. One worthy of being my last few sentences to her.

"Uh, when I was a little girl my mother bought me guitar," I began. Bella watched me intently. Though her eyes were distant.

"It was blue and small just for me. Every morning five a.m. I would go outside and play my guitar to keep from waking up my family. One day, I went outside and saw that the sun was deep red. I'd never seen anything so beautiful in my life," I said, tearing leaking down my face. Bella's eyes were beginning to close. She couldn't keep them opened any longer.

"I would play my guitar and sing to the sun every morning after. Each morning it was just as beautiful and red. I felt like if I sang to he sun then maybe my soul mate could hear me. Maybe she was staring up at that red sun at the same time as me. Only now do I realize that I was singing to you."

I wasn't prepared for the loud ringing of her heart monitor. I wasn't ready for the utter coldness of her hand in mine. I was not ready for the nurses to rush in and pull me away from her. When it came to Bella, I was never ready. Especially not to lose her.

I fell into myself and darkness surrounded me. There was a vacuous hole in my heart that she left behind. Bella had run her race and she did not win.

Apart of me was forever lost with her.

I had her buried with my old blue guitar. Two beautiful memories that deserved to sleep together for eternity. I nearly lost my composure when I saw her mother and father weeping over her casket. It was almost too much for me. I was so close to giving up.

When it was time for me to make my speech as her widow, I was shaking. No sold out concert had prepared me for this. No tour, no screaming fans. I felt like she was in the crowd of people, snickering at me as I unfolded my tear streaked notebook paper.

I could just hear her scolding me about how I should have it memorized. I smiled at nothing and shoved it back into my pocket. She didn't deserve a rehearsed speech. Bella deserved something from my bruised and battered heart.

"Isabella Swan. I met her nearly a year and a half ago. Our love story isn't beautiful or heartwarming so I'll spare you. But, she was. When I first met her, I made it my mission to make her the happiest woman alive. I don't know if I did that or not. Only she knows. What I do know is, I love that woman," I paused for moment to gather myself. The sound of Renee's weeping made it even harder.

"And because I love her, I will keep her memory alive. I will cherish the memories of her that I've gathered over my short time with her. And I will bring awareness to other people like her. I will never forget the impact that Bella left on me. I will make her proud. And...that's all I have to say about that."

I floated through the crowds of people. I couldn't feel the hugs. I couldn't hear the words of encouragement. I just wanted to go home.

Halfway there, I realized that my home was no longer here. It was six feet deep in the earth, silent as the deep reaches of space.

Somehow, I had to come to terms with that.

 **-o0o-**

Months passed and I threw myself back into work. I rarely ever left the studio, slaving over instrumentals and songs for other artists. I couldn't find it in me to sing anymore. There was nothing I could sing. My muse was gone.

My sisters pried me away from my studio with promises of family time and drunken karaoke. It worked for a while. Until alcohol became a crutch for me. More often then not, I had a cup of wine in my hand. More often the not, I fell asleep in my studio. I was never more alone then in those times.

I couldn't even bring myself to run anymore.

A year after her death, I was cleaning out my trunk when I noticed a lone CD. My heart stuttered when I saw what it was. There, on the front of it, was her name. From one to one hundred and twenty four, every video and photo was on it. I had completely forgotten about them. I think it was intentional. I didn't want to desecrate her memory. I wasn't the same person anymore.

I kept the CD under my bed for a while and threw all of my energy into getting sober. It was harder than I thought. Each night, I would fall back into memories of her want to drink them away.

When I finally sobered up, I steeled myself to watch the videos. At least one of them. I thought that maybe, if I could see her alive again, I could finally let her go and live. My hands shook as I popped the CD into my old dusty DVD player.

I clicked the first video with shaky hands. My body trembled as the first image of her popped onto my television. She looked so much different than I remembered. She wasn't as ghaunt or..lifeless. I found myself breathing a sigh of relief. She looked happy.

 _"Please state your name for the camera," I said, smiling at her. Bella rolled her eyes at me._

 _"Bella Swan. You already know that."_

 _"That's not your full name. If you can't cooperate I'll just interview myself."_

 _"Ugh, Isabella Marie Swan. There. Happy?"_

 _"Yeah yeah. Now, what is your favorite color?"_

 _"It's blue. Wait no. Indigo," Bella said, nodding her head. I tilted my head._

 _"Why?"_

 _"It reminds of ocean water at night. Dark but full of life."_

I watched the video intently. I feasted my eyes upon her. In that moment, she was still alive to me. I watched her laugh and smile. I listened to every snarky remark and chuckled at every eye roll. Before I knew it, I was at the end of the video. My heart nearly stopped.

She looked just as she did before she died, ghaunt and small. Her eyes were listless as I tried to talk to her. She did not respond. I bit my lip and watched as I kissed her cheeks, remembering how cold she was to the touch.

I watched my tear streaked face and my trembling body with calm eyes. No matter how badly I wanted to be sad and cry with my past self, I couldn't. Looking at her now, I saw the utter misery that I had missed. Even if she was happy with me, she was still in pain. How could I wish she was here in that state?

"Let her go. Let her go," I whispered to myself. On the screen, I cried and pleaded with her to stay. "She's okay now. She's peace."

 _"I love you, Bella."_

Bella's lips seemed to move just slightly. I knew her so well that I read her lips with ease. I closed my eyes and felt a weight fall off my chest. The hole in my heart would always be there, but it would continue to get smaller. I had faith in that alone.

" _I know.."_

I put on my running shoes.

 **Two Years Later**

I pulled my hood over my head to disguise myself and ducked into a library. I was looking for a specific book, _Paradise Lost._ I was getting more into literature. My reasons for it were shaky at best. It definitely wasn't for the sake of advancing my literary perspective...

I strolled down the aisle, fingers tickling over the spines of various tomes. My eyes were not on the books, however. On the other side of the aisle, Ms. Hale stood there placing different tomes on the shelves. Various animals jumped around in my gut.

I had been coming here for the last week. Each time I couldn't find it in me to speak to her for more than five minutes. She reminded too much of Bella, and yet they were so different. The feelings I got around her were wild and totally foreign.

It scared me...but I liked it a lot.

When I finally found the book, I sat down and waited for her to switch shifts with the old woman at the desk. I could have cared less about the words on the pages. I was so nervous, racking my brain for the right words to ask her out on a date. Hell, I didn't even know if she was gay.

I steeled myself and walked up to the desk. Her violet eyes lifted up to me, making a lump form in my throat. I sat my book down and pushed my sunglasses up my nose. Ms. Hale raised her eyebrows at me and checked out the book.

" _Paradise Lost_? You have good taste in books," she said quietly, lips quirking up slightly. I nearly hyperventilated but I calmed down.

"Thank you, uh," I rasped. I cleared my throat and took off my sunglasses. "Ms. Hale, I wanted to-"

"It's Rosalie and no. We can't grab coffee sometime. I hate coffee," she quipped, trying to hide her smirk. "Just because you're famous doesn't mean I'll go out with you."

At that moment, I knew she was my second chance. Instead of curling into a ball of tears and embarrassment, I took my book off the counter and gave her a pretty smile. She arched a perfect blonde brow at me and I was drenched.

I stole a pen off the counter and gently took her hand. I rejoiced when she didn't pull away. I wrote my number on her hand quickly and plopped the pen down.

"I'm taking you out to eat tonight. Call me when you get off work and I'll pull up," I said confidently. Any nerves I had were dying away. There's no time to hesitate. "Don't worry about changing. It's causal."

"If I do call you.. where would you take me," Rosalie asked, chuckling. I think she thought I was joking.

"Just call me." With that I walked away, ignoring her failed attempt to whisper/yell at me.

Later that night, I was drying off from my shower when my phone vibrated. The phone number was unknown. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach. I picked it up and let it ring twice before I amswered. I refused to look desperate when it could be some Hollywood exec.

"Where are you taking mea gorgeous voice asked on the other end. I jumped up and down in glee and started pulling on my clothes with one hand.

"Chipotle," I said jokingly. I sort of regretted it when she was silence on the other end. I kicked myself in the ass. _You fucking idiot!_

"Why didn't you just say that earlier?"

It was my turn to be shocked. I burst out laughing and laughed even harder when I heard her doing the same. Suddenly I caught a glimpse of a picture of Bella and I beside my bed.

"I'll be there in five minutes tops. Be safe until I get there," I said, hanging up. I picked up the picture and kissed it. "No one can replace you, Bella. But...even you would think she's wifey material. I love you, kiddo."

As I was putting on my clothes like a bat out of hell, I could almost hear her reply. As faint as it was in my mind, Bella was still there.

"You know. You always know," I said softly, bounding out of the door and toward my future.

A future I never imagined for myself.

 **Present**

"And that's the story. Now I'll have to kill you," Ilaughed heartily. In the corner of my eye, Rosalie stood there solemnly holding our little Isabella. Her eyes smiled at me in a familiar way.

"Well Kalika, that was...beautiful. I must say that none of your fans knew what you were going through. You are a very strong person," The interviewer said sincerely. She almost looked like she would shed a few tears.

"I have Bella and my wife to thank for that. I don't even want to imagine a life where I never met them," I said, shaking my head. "Thank you for your time and for letting me tell my story."

I walked out of the building with my wife and our daughter, feeling free. I never really believe in happy endings and I still don't. But with my new family, I see a home when I'm weary. I see comfort and love. That's as close as I'll ever get in this world.

"I'm proud of you," Rosalie murmured, combing her hands through my hair. "I know it was hard for you to talk about."

"It was but my fans deserve to know. Maybe somebody out there has been through the same thing and I've helped them somehow. Not all of them have someone to talk to about it. At least I have you."

I sighed and shifted Isabella more comfortably in my arms. She stirred from her sleep and I kissed her forehead. My miracle child. My little slice of heaven is everything I never knew I wanted.

"Bella would be proud of you. I'm proud of you. You're stronger than you know," Rosalie whispered, kissing my forehead. "If I had known all those years ago, I would have said yes immediately."

I chuckled tiredly and pulled her closer to me. She would never know how much she healed me. Just by being present and listening.

"I love you, Rose. I love our family," I said sleepily. Her fingers lulled my eyelids closed and I sighed happily. I couldn't

"I know, Kali. I know."

Even with the problems that come our way, I know we can handle them. Because I've been through the worst. I came out on the other side, heaving with brand new lungs and a patched up heart.

The hole Bella left behind is overflowing with the love. Love that only a woman like Rosalie and a daughter like mine can give. Her influence will never leave. Her guiding hand on my life will never part. My only wish is to make her proud of me.

So even though this life is a short one and sometimes I yearn for Bella's overwhelming light, I intend to take it by the balls and keep

running as long as I can.

For Bella.


End file.
